


Brooklyn Baby

by lilolilyrae



Series: Dark Paradise [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Dark Paradise, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Songfic, canon minor character death, steve in the 21th century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 09:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10761192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: this is set as an epilogue to'Dark Paradise'after Steve gets out of the ice and learns that Bucky is the Winter Soldier, can also be read as a standalone





	Brooklyn Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dark Paradise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759926) by [lilolilyrae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae). 



> lyrics from Dark Paradise by Lana del Rey, Title just another Lana song (like the chapter titles in DP)

_everybody’s watching me_

_but I can feel you touching me_

_telling me i’m fine_

 

 

He knows everyone keeps a close eye on him, and if they’re already doing that while thinking it was just his _friend_ who turned out to be alive, not the person he’s in love with….

And of course because they think he can’t deal with this century.

 

But the reality is even worse than that.

 

He loves Bucky, and not in a brotherly way.

 

Steve Rogers is in love with James Buchnan Barnes so much that it hurts, and he aches to scream it from rooftops, to tell every person he knows what an amazing, wonderful, loveable person he was- is, is!

He keeps accidentally refering to Bucky in past tense in his head, after all he had almost seventy years of practise.

 

He does not tell one soul about the forbidden feelings he bears for his friend, doesn’t know which are the places to go for people like him in this world, and there is monitoring equipement everywhere anyways, he doesn’t even dare to jerk of in the ‘privacy’ of his own quarters in Stark Tower, to afraid he might end up moaning his male friend’s name and giving himself away.

 

He hates it- in his old apartment he’d learned to keep quiet, but he’d never had to be afraid someone might catch a sigh, soft cries of pleasure, tears of heartbreak, or words spoken quietly in his sleep.

 

The latter is the reason he gave Jarvis strict directions to wake him at the slightest tell of dreams.

 

He’s glad he learned to function without sleep in the months he’s believed Bucky dead.

 

 

After waking up and getting over the first shock of being alive and in a completely different era, he’d initially hoped that the future might be different in the right ways… but it hadn’t taken long until he heard someone insult someone for being gay, which apparently was the new word for queer? He didn’t get the reason of the linguistics (and he did not want to ask any further, nor ‘google’ it, afraid someone might put two and two together), but he sure got what it meant.

 

The Agent Fury had sent to explain this new world to him had talked about a lot of technology, way too many wars, a row of presidents, something terrible called climate change, and how to dress insuspiciously, but there was no talk about the queers, and Steve lost hope completely.

 

He hated this new world, everything he fought for had apparently been no use with all those wars, and the rest had just gotten worse.

 

The woman that is the Black Widow and maybe even more fierce a woman than Peggy Carter ever was, tries to set him up with her girl friends, and he’s quite glad that after the desaster in DC, she’s either too busy to try again or actually realizes that he doesn’t care about dating when his friend just came back to life.

 

 

 

 

It gets worse after the fight at the Potomac.

 

Bucky saved him.

 

Steve is bursting with love and relief, he’s so sure his friend is still in there, not completely erased by whatever he had to endure under Hydra and the Red Room.

 

He doesn’t know how much exitement he’s allowed to show, maybe even less than would have been the norm 67 years ago.

After all guys can’t even touch casually anymore without being suspicious, he’s seen guys on the streets bump into each other and immediately laughingly exclaim ‘No Homo Bro!’

(Shuddering, he thinks back, about Bucky’s arm around his shoulders in the forties, and how even if he gets him back, he might not even get this much touch.)

 

So he falls back into looking all determined, fokusing on finding a lead on Bucky, but not showing emotions about it.

 

 

 

He wishes he could tell at least Peggy about his love for James-

he calls him that in his head now, both because it hurts to think about this alltoofamiliar voice asking ‘Who the hell is Bucky’ and because it just doesn’t distract him as much this way-

but while he wants to think that even if she hadn’t become as forgetful as she did, she wouldn’t rat him out, he doesn’t know just how tightly superviced a nursing home in these days is.

 

Better not to risk anything.

 

When he gets the news about her death he regrets it like barely anything else.

 

 

 

There’s an old little flat in Brooklyn, and whenever he feels like he can’t take it anymore, he makes his way there with lots of detours, hoping so hard that nobody followed him, that his hideout is still undetected and not bugged…

 

He just needs some time to himself, to let the thoughts about Bucky flow, and the tears with it.

 

Bucky had saved him.

 

He can nearly feel where Bucky’s arms, one so familiar and one distinctive metal, have dragged him out of the water.

 

He feels the long-healed bruises in his face and wishes to get them back just to have _something_ of the man he loves on him.

 

He misses him so incredibly much.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna make a series out of these, but I want to post what happened in this verse before DP first so I won't have to try to put the parts of the series in the right order afterwards (if that's even possible without erasing that they're in a series first??) sooo that's the reason this is tagged as inspired by a work written by myself  
> if you want notifications when i write another part, do bookmark this one or leave a comment, I'll let you know/ post a chapter saying next part is up :D  
> Update **[NEXT PART](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10796214/)** is up!!
> 
> not beta read yet and probably full of mistakes cause i feel lazy 
> 
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> [tumblr](https://lilolilyr.tumblr.com)


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